matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
