Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
