This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
