If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Rumble strips road head = magical
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
