I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
so much tequila, so little girl.
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