I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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