God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
