I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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