hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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