I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
