It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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