im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
