There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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