my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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