hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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