i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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