i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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