So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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