The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
