It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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