If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
