Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
