batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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