Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize