Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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