im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
