drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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