I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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