Define "chronic" masturbator.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
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