Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
