I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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