so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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