2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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