At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
