I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
