Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
