So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
