I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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