Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
