Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
