i love accidental penises.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Randomize
