I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
