new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
