I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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