did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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