Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
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