There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
