Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
