i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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