My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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