I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
