I accidentally had phone sex last night
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
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