Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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