New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
