So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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