Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
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He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
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STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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