Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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